Afraid of the Fairytale

The fairytale scares me
Happily ever after
The pressure of such a dream
That golden evaluation proving I’ve been successful in love

So afraid that I am standoffish with it Pushing it away
Sitting alone in the back row
The cheap seats
Seeing it tap dance in front of me on the stage 
Mesmerized, but keeping it out of reach

I like dating, connecting
But lately, always being the holiday in the relationship
not the every day
Believing this was the best way
The only way to stay safe

I have a busy life
A million reasons why not
Responsibilities and drive that fills up just enough to
make the lack of intimacy okay
Mostly okay
Because being emotionally single is easier
‘I’ is always less complicated than ‘us’

Though
I might have caught a glimpse of it once
Tasted it
Stood inside the magic of it all
But then it came crashing down
and the sound of the glass and my heart breaking convinced me
no more
never again.

But then she showed up
Out of the blue
Unexpected
And now the little girl inside of me that dreamed about a place where my heart could be safe, held with
strong hands, a woman with whom I could lay myself down at her feet, and be loved for all that I am and all I am not,
is peering over the edge of that chair, all the way in the back,
wondering if maybe...
If, maybe.

Shoshana Raine is a femme lesbian who blushingly shares her musings on passion, connection, and the heart. She writes to escape the ordinary. Shoshana loves across the gender spectrum, and is dedicated to contributing to the community with her words. She can often be found typing with a cat in her lap and dangly earrings in her ears. Shoshana’s work has been published in the Queer Toronto Literary Magazines, amongst other publications.