it is one year to the day

since my mom’s mother
b
died

when b told all of us at her dining room table
that she was diagnosed with multiple myeloma
she held my hand but i looked at the ground
i thought i did not have the right to be sad
most of my life i was not with b
i was in north carolina and b in ohio and
i was her third grandchild always the odd one out
because my other cousins lived
in ohio
with her
where i never was

when b died i blamed myself
for not being there because everyone else was and
i was not there
so i did not let my stepfather see me cry when he told me
i held my little sister when she shot snot down my shirt and
once they went to sleep i turned my music up loud so
nobody could hear me crying because
i did not deserve to be sad because
i chose to spend christmases and thanksgivings and easters without her

my mother clutched on to me when i arrived in ohio three days later and
i read the eulogy because nobody else could stop crying

why was i not crying

people told me during the wake that they were impressed with my composure
how could i tell them that i did not deserve to cry
not when i feared listening to b get worse and worse on the phone until i stopped calling

on may 8 i will graduate college on b’s birthday
my entire family messaged me when my mom told them
b is still with us

and maybe this means b forgives me and i can be sad instead of
parking in the driveway and
pounding on my steering wheel
throwing up in the grass from sobbing
before walking inside her house after burying her and

let people see me cry

Ciera Lloyd has published works in Every Day Fiction, Atlantis Magazine, Press Pause Press, The Road Runner Review, and more. For as long as she can remember, she has had a unique style of writing, focusing on the uncomfortable subjects society usually shies away from. She holds a BFA in creative writing from UNCW. In September of 2021, she began her studies for her Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing at City University of London. She, and her other published work, can be found on Instagram @ciera.lloyd.